Disclaimer: All things apart
from this story are Paramount
Summary: The latest subspace
communication with Earth brings not
only kitchen recipes for Harry, but sad news for the
Captain
Rating: PG 13
This story was written for the Secret Valentine on VAMB 2005
In deepest gratitude for Katlady’s fine Beta work
By Gine
The lights in
the mess hall had faded to the same darkness that enveloped Voyager. Only the stars
illuminated the quiet room. The nightshift was almost over and in two hours
Neelix would serve leola root omelettes with a few of his extraordinary spices
for breakfast.
The intensive smell of coffee told him that he had finally found
her. Chakotay didn’t know how long
she’d been sitting there in her favourite chair staring out into the
unknown. He only knew that she had been
deeply troubled since he’d left her to talk to Admiral Paris that afternoon at
their monthly subspace conference.
The Admiral had asked him for a private moment with the captain after
they had discussed the matter of the Maquis status with satisfying results for
all sides. Chakotay had sensed Kathryn’s anxiety about this theme for weeks and
could literally hear the stone fall from her heart when the Admiral announced
that all charges against her crew, her friends, had been dropped.
But when she’d returned to the bridge later, a small pad in her hand,
all the relief and happiness he had seen in her eyes earlier had gone. She’d looked
suddenly pale and off balance, but when he’d asked her about it, she had just
dismissed it as a slight headache and retreated to her ready-room for the rest
of her shift. He knew her well enough to let it go for then, but her unusual
silence at the monthly dinner with the senior staff that they’d attended in the
evening, had rung Chakotay’s alarm bells.
This time Harry
had been the master of a very delicate Asian menu, offering specialities from
his mother’s recipes, which she had sent him with the last data stream. Fresh
vegetables and fish had been served with delicious smelling basmati rice and
roasted noodles. The famous spicy sauce ala Kim had been the highlight of an
outstanding meal and Harry had beamed with pride, watching his friends enjoying
his mother’s kitchen secrets.
Soft music and
the noises of relaxed chatting people had filled the room, and nobody had
noticed the well-hidden sadness in the eyes of their captain. Kathryn had
smiled politely and had eaten her small portion of vegetables so slowly that
even Harry, in his role of observant host, didn’t notice her lack of
appetite. Only Chakotay had watched her
silently, while Kathryn’s whole attention had been focused on the food on her
plate that she had barely touched.
He knew she had
sensed him watching her than, just as she did now. For a long moment he just stood behind her, studying her in the
black mirror that was the view port, until their eyes connected over the
reflections of each other. Neither of
them spoke a word. Finally he rested
his hand on her shoulder and she reached for it, squeezing it softly, while
their eyes never lost contact.
“My mother is
dead, Chakotay.”
The words were
only whispered and the detached tone of her voice was almost unrecognisable to
him and revealed the emotional shock that she was suffering from. She said
nothing more. She didn’t cry.
Never letting go
of her hand, he walked around the chair and knelt down in front of her. Kathryn couldn’t face him. Her eyes stared
again unfocused into nothingness, but he could see the unshed tears. His warm
hand caressed her cheek softly then reached for her chin, urging her gently to
look him in the eye.
The tears
spilled over the moment their eyes met and silently cursed down her pale
face. He knew there was nothing he
could say to ease her pain now, so he just opened his arms, silently praying
she would allow herself this much needed comfort.
Kathryn Janeway
gave her heart so easily to offer sympathy, understanding and compassion toward
others, but when it came to her own feelings, she tended to bury pain and
grief. The captain had to be a tower of strength and restraint, always in
control of her emotions, but this time the walls had cracks and the pips at her
collar were no longer signs of her rank, only unimportant adornments of metal.
The mask had slipped and lay broken on the floor.
Chakotay had
seldom seen her so vulnerable and exposed like she had been in the moment
before she accepted his embrace. He
held her tightly, giving her time to regain her composure.
She was in
shock. Her body could not relax and slight tremors shook her small frame
continuously.
“I think we
should find a more comfortable place. Let me walk you to your quarters.” The
morning shift would arrive soon and Chakotay knew she wouldn’t want to face her
crew in this condition.
He felt her nod
almost imperceptible, while she brushed the tears from her cheeks. The hallways were still quiet and they met
no one on the way to her rooms. Once
there Chakotay replicated two cups of tea and they settled on her couch under
the view port. Wrapped in a warm blanket Kathryn leaned against Chakotay, her
head resting against his shoulder, while his hand stroked gently over her arm.
Despite the
warmth of the blanket and the relaxing tea, she shivered in his embrace from
time to time, and he held her even closer, trying to provide her with as much
comfort as possible. She would need to
talk about what had happened, but he knew better not to pressure her right
now. The words would come.
Kathryn had
never before shown her innermost distress to him or anyone else the way she did
now. The news had caught her completely off-guard and her reaction to it
revealed how deep the connection to her mother had always been. Still, he wondered why she allowed him to
see her as vulnerable as she was right now.
In all these
years she had endured so many devastating blows in her professional and her
personal life, but he had never heard her complain. To most people around her,
even to her friends, she seemed unbreakable, always strong and confident. She carried her burdens silently, that it
was easy to forget that they existed at all.
Chakotay would
never forget the only time she had come dangerously close to reach breaking point.
Her depressive reaction to the void.
Her openly displayed guilt had been an obvious sign of how much it
really cost Kathryn to be the captain every day.
But this was
different. For the very first time she
accepted his care without embarrassment. She was comfortable in his arms and
did not try and retreat from him, even now when she had calmed a little.
Eventually she
spoke. Her whispering voice betrayed the deep emotions she felt at this very
moment.
“After my
father’s and Justin’s death, I always believed that nothing could ever hurt me
so much again. Now I know that’s not true.
I can’t believe that I’ll never see her again. She was so full of life
when I talked to her last month.”
Kathryn paused to drink a little from the now cold tea and for a few
minutes she did not continue.
“She was at a
mathematics conference on Travenar when terrorists attacked the congress
building. A wall collapsed close to her and a metal beam fell across the back.
She fought for seven days, but her injuries were too severe. She died on a
Federation Medical ship a week ago. There is a short letter that she left for
me. A nurse wrote it down for her, because she didn’t have the strength to move
anymore.” She reached for the padd he
had seen earlier and gave it to him. “I want you to read it.”
My
dear Kathryn,
How
much I have wished to hold you in my arms again…
Still
in all these years you have been close to me. Love knows no distance and
thoughts can be star-ships, flying faster than warp ten. Sometimes late at night
when I couldn’t sleep, I sat out on the veranda watching the stars. Like you
used to do when you were a child. And I imagined you: Nursing your beloved
coffee-cup, studying the unknown stars of the Delta-Quadrant in the darkness of
your mess-hall.
And
I asked myself so many times…How are you today, Kathryn? How are you holding
up? Do you still feel guilty? Can you sleep at night? Are you eating enough?
How do you endure the endless pressure of command, the enormous responsibility?
Are you still dreaming? Do you feel lonely…?
Thousands
of questions and no answers.
I
know you are the captain, but far more than that I know you, my daughter. I
have seen everything in your eyes.
The
success and the defeat. The laughter and the tears. The joy and the grief. The
breakdown and the rising. The strength and the weakness. The love and the
loneliness.
I am proud of
the captain, but far more than that, I am proud of the woman you have become.
In my heart you will always be my daughter first, Kathryn who deserves everything,
and most of all to be loved.
You have already accomplished so much more
in your life than anyone could ever have hoped or
asked for. When I have to say my last goodbye to you now, there is just one
wish I have for you:
Find the courage to accept the truth that
your letters told me about so many times: You are not alone.
I
love you, Kathryn.
Mum
Some say love is not for captains
That led a crew to home.
I say love is for my
daughter,
Or her soul will turn
to stone.
Some say love will make you weaker
Break the distance the
captain keeps.
I
say love will make you stronger
Bring
the peace that Kathryn seeks.
There’s a dream you don’t dare taking,
That seems out of your reach
But your hope is slowly dying
While
he waits for you to live.
But the nights can be so lonely
And the road to home is long.
Still you think that love is only
For the others, you are strong.
Just remember that one winter,
When you walked through bitter snow,
Where
you found a little puppy
They
cried both when he finished.
“I will miss her
so much, Chakotay. I always have. Nobody knew me like my mother did.” She
turned around to face him. Despite all the tears and the pain of the moment, her
eyes were clear and full of love.
“Apart
from you, Chakotay.”
Fin