The Secret Of
Angalaria
Final Chapter 7 Friends and more than that
Despite all the
horrible things the Angalarian children had gone through while their ship was
under attack, having to face the violence and destruction they had never known,
they had regained a part of their balance and happiness in the care of
Voyager’s crew faster than Chakotay and everyone else had expected.
When they had come aboard the ship,
there was such terror and fear written in the eyes of the children that it
broke the hearts of the crew to see their distress. Without thinking, arms
opened and the children were enclosed in warm, soothing hugs. The shared
touches were the beginning of the healing process and four days after Talaris’s
destruction, the most beautiful sound filled Voyager’s messhall: children’s
laughter.
For a moment Chakotay stopped at
the door, looking over the crowed place, and despite the concern for his
captain, he had to smile at the picture before him. The usually sterile room was stuffed with flowers and hundreds
of toys. It seemed the rumour about Tom releasing the contents of all the
betting pools had been correct. He never knew how much of their rations the
crew had actually placed in Tom’s capable hands and sometimes devilish mind,
but this must have been worth a week of every member’s share. Witnessing the
smiling faces and the aura of happiness that filled the messhall now, it was a
small price to pay.
Neelix sat in the middle of
everything with Brana and Nalea on each of his knees, obviously telling
adventure stories about his life on Voyager. The children hung on every word
that came from his lips and Chakotay saw the twinkle in Neelix’ eyes. He had
never forgotten what it meant to be a child in his heart, thought Chakotay.
This was one of the things he liked most about Voyager’s morale officer.
Namara and Araman had joined the
children earlier and while secretly watching them now, Chakotay knew they would
eventually find closure and peace in the children’s love again. He left the messhall quietly, not wanting to
disturb the relaxed atmosphere and made his way to Sam Wildman’s quarters.
At his request for entry, Sam
opened the door and led him to a chair in the living room. Naomi was nowhere to
be seen.
Before he could say anything, a cup
of cinnamon tea was placed on the small table in front of him, and Sam had
taken a seat opposite him.
“Naomi is sleeping, Commander. The
Doctor gave her a light sedative earlier.”
Although she appeared calm and collected now, the serious expression in
her tired eyes never belied Sam’s true feelings. The events of the last days
had left visible traces on her face. Lack of sleep and the deep concern and
fear that only a mother knows when her child is in danger, clouded the gentle
features. But when she spoke there were no blame, no resentment, toward the
responsible commanding officers. Her words held only worry and compassion.
“We all know the dangers of our
journey. And as hard as it is to face it, I can’t let the fear control our
lives. From the day Naomi was born, I knew that I would have to learn to accept
the reality of this existence, the possibility of constant danger and violence.
Naomi knows nothing else but living on Voyager. And she is happy here. She sees
the world around her with different eyes than we do. Innocent eyes. As much as we want to, we can’t keep her safe from
everything. Even if it breaks my heart to see that innocence sometimes replaced
by sadness and pain, I know it is crucial for her growing and her survival out
here, that she lives her life as normally as possible and not closed away in a
silver box.”
“Naomi is a tough girl, Sam. And
you’re right, she will mature from it, not always coming through unscathed but
stronger. You can be so proud of her.” Chakotay smiled. “We all are.”
“I know and it means so much to me
and even more to Naomi. You know, …” Sam paused, appearing unsure about her
next words but Chakotay encouraged her to speak freely.
“Naomi adores the captain and she
is very upset about what happened while they were hostages. Obviously the
captain volunteered to save the children and Belanna from that evil man. Naomi
didn’t talk much about it; the sedative worked pretty quickly. However, I’m
sure when she wakes up, she’ll need to talk and she’ll ask me about the captain.”
Chakotay knew there was only one
answer Sam needed now, and that was not voicing his own concerns about Kathryn.
This was not the place; he would talk to Belanna later. “The captain will be fine. Tell Naomi not to
worry.” He stood up and reached for her hand, squeezing it gently. “And the same counts for you, Sam. We will
make sure our captain and her assistant are on duty again soon.” Thanking her for the tea, Chakotay left to
check the bridge, before he went to pay a visit on Tom and Belanna.
Tom looked like hell and was
obviously relieved to see him. The
tension in the Paris’s quarters was palpable and clearly written in both faces,
Belanna and Tom’s.
Before Chakotay had a chance to say
anything, Belanna stood nose to nose with him, finally having found the right
person to release her anger and frustration.
“Damn it, Chakotay, why do I have
to play the delicate china doll here? Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean
I’m an invalid. It’s not enough that I have Tom mothering me for weeks, now you
and the Doc conspire with him. Engineering is mine. I need to do something
useful. Anything. I’ve been sitting and doing nothing for long enough. The baby
is fine. I’m fine.” Belanna was already
pounding his broad chest with clenched fists.
“I can’t rest. When I close my eyes, all I see is her.
Facing Salox and going down from the blow right into her abdomen. I see Brana,
gently wiping away the blood from her lips. I cover my ears but her words haunt
me. Begging me not to interfere.
Knowing she would make the sacrifice. Telling me how proud she is of
what I’ve achieved. But how did I thank her, Chakotay? How?”
Tears ran down Belanna’s face
now. While she still pounded on
Chakotay’s chest, her blows slowly lost power.
“They hurt her so badly, and still she refused to trade places. When
they brought her back the second time, she was unresponsive. For a horrible moment I thought we had lost
her. Then the fever started and with it the hallucinations. She was begging for forgiveness from her mum
and me. Me! But there was nothing to forgive. Then she said she ‘is alone’ and
something about you ‘are angry’ and ‘her peace’. The fever climbed so fast. If it hadn’t been for Nalea and Brana, your
rescue would have been too late. When they came for her again, she could barely
walk on her own. Naomi volunteered to be taken instead of her.”
Belanna turned to Tom, her hands
tightly clenched in Chakotay’s jacket.
“Can you imagine how that made me feel?”
Neither man answered her and that
made Belanna even angrier. “She is the
captain, God damn, but this p’thak violated everything that is Kathryn
Janeway.”
The pounding stopped and the last
words were only whispered, when Belanna saw the tears openly fall from
Chakotay’s eyes. “I saw it in her eyes,
if only for a second. She was so exposed, vulnerable beyond word. Those
eyes… How can I look into her eyes
again…?”
The anger died with her voice and
exhaustion settled in. All the time Chakotay had not spoken a word. Now he just opened his arms and pulled his
shaking friend against his chest, while his eyes rested on Tom.
“You did what she expected from
you, Belanna. The way you handled the situation is the reason she said those
words to you. You were there taking care of the children and your part in her
final rescue was vital. If you hadn’t
found her then…“
Chakotay couldn’t say the
rest. His own strength had limits and
Tom came to his aid, easing Belanna out of his arms, guiding her to the couch
under the viewport. They sat in silence
for a few minutes. Tom held his wife in his embrace, waiting for her to calm
down, while Chakotay stared out into the darkness of space. Finally Belanna
moved out of Tom’s arms. He could read her so easily and nodded at the
questioning expression in her eyes. She went to stand beside her old friend and
reached for Chakotay’s hand.
“How is she?”
Chakotay looked at her a long time
and Belanna could read every emotion in his expressive features: sadness, fear
and concern. In all the years he had never voiced the deep feelings he held for
his captain, but Belanna knew the truth.
“She’s still unconscious. Her
physical injuries have been taken care of.
They will heal. I pray she will too.”
Chakotay paused, shook his head slightly and brushed the tears from his
cheeks, embarrassed about his own open emotional reaction at Belanna’s
words. She sensed his discomfort
immediately and now she was the one enclosing her friend in a compassionate
hug.
“She’s strong, Chakotay.”
“What if that’s not enough? We all have limits. Even Kathryn Janeway.”
Belanna leaned back and urged him
to look her in the eye. “When our own
strength is failing, we have friends, Chakotay. You are more than her First
Officer. And you know we’re here for you both as well.
“Yes, I know.” Chakotay nodded at
Tom and Belanna, before he turned to leave them.
“Thank you, my friends.”
His quarters were dark and he left
it that way. Just like Kathryn had faced the black, almost starless void, now
Chakotay stood at the viewport. The darkness he saw there mirrored his
feelings, a violent mix of anger and terrible pain that seemed to eat at him
from the inside. The padd with the doctor’s report that he had read earlier
shook in his hand.
For years he had put the demons of
the angry warrior to rest. Now the inspiration, the spring of this peace lay in
sickbay, violated beyond imagination by a man that resembled a Cardassian when
it came to his methods of torturing prisoners.
A man who had lost every sense of compassion, even for a child. A man easy to hate.
Again he was overwhelmed by the
memories of what he had seen in sickbay. How short was the bridge between dark
and light, love and hate. He had
crossed it too many times in his life. Freedom and peace came with a high
price, but he had learned his lessons.
Hate or revenge would not help Kathryn. Only through the love he would
heal with her.
Chakotay was bone tired and finally
gave in and went to bed. For a long
time he lay awake, the pillow tightly pressed against his chest. Whenever he
closed his eyes, he again saw Kathryn’s slumping form and his dreams became
nightmares.
His commbadge chimed and he felt
like he hadn’t slept at all. But when he heard the Doctor’s voice, he was
wide-awake and only minutes later on his way to sickbay.
Kathryn’s face was still
unnaturally pale, but her features appeared to him more relaxed than hours
before. Unconsciously he taken her hand again and now his thumb stroked
tenderly over her soft skin while he waited.
The Doctor had informed him that it
would be the best to let Kathryn’s body decide when she would wake up. He had
monitored her condition throughout the night and had called for him when the
readings indicated that she was about to regain consciousness.
Her bio-signature got stronger now
and her heart-rate quickened. Her eyelids started to move, very slowly at
first. Finally her eyes opened and met
his.
“Chakotay.”
He almost gasped at the
transformation of raw emotion that he witnessed there in the following seconds. The insecurity in her eyes, the silent
question of why she was in sickbay only lasted a moment then died in the crash
of her memories. Her hand returned the
strong grip that he had on hers. Her eyes grew wide, the pupils darkening, and
he looked right into her soul, seeing it lying shattered and bleeding in a
thousand pieces.
Her eyes were a living mirror,
fractured under the greatest pain, but in the mosaic of the splinters he saw
only himself. The emotional shock was
so overwhelming for both of them that they could not break the connection
between them even with the greatest willpower.
They were caught in the moment of Kathryn’s deepest vulnerability. There was no struggle for the right words,
no defining of parameters, no legends.
Just the naked truth. Beyond the
call of duty, beyond their deep friendship, they needed each other.
“Captain?!” The Doctor appeared on
the other side of the biobed to check his patient over, completely oblivious to
the most private moment that had ever happened between Kathryn and
Chakotay. He had just said a word, but
that one word that dropped between them like a bomb, destroying the silent
conversation and with it the fragile equilibrium in Kathryn’s eyes. Captain.
It hurt almost physically. She
flinched, barely recognisable only to Chakotay, her eyes closed for a few
seconds and then she removed her hand from his.
When she opened her eyes again, she
didn’t look at him and her head turned to the doctor, who was busy scanning her
with a medical tricorder. Obviously satisfied with her condition, he put the
device away and returned his attention to his captain. His voice was serious
and full of compassion when he spoke again.
“Your body had to endure a most stressing
and painful ordeal. I know how hard it is for you to accept this, but it will
need time to recuperate from the injuries and the severe shock that your system
received in the process. How do you feel?”
Her hands grabbed the sheet that
covered her body; they were painfully cramped into fists. Chakotay didn’t know
where Kathryn found the strength to force the words past her lips, in the
familiar tone that never belied her position as head of the ship.
“I’m fine.”
24 hours later the captain was released
to her quarters with strict orders to rest. So often before the doctor had felt
like he was talking to a wall when it came to the captain’s health, but not
today. All the time in sickbay the captain had been unusually quiet, almost
withdrawn. He had tried everything to make her comfortable, talking, singing,
even serving her coffee and allowing her to read at least the status report of
the ship. Still she remained mostly silent.
Not once had she spoken about what had happened to her on the other ship.
He had worried even more when she
didn’t openly protest his orders to take at least one day off before returning
to duty. She had just nodded, not really looking at him, before she shimmered
away in the site-to-site transport, only leaving behind the echo of
herself:
“I am fine. Thank you, Doctor.”
The ship’s atmosphere vibrated
under the happy energy of the children, but they would need to contact the
Angalarian home-world soon, before the Samarian ship picked up Voyager’s trail
to try and find the polara.
Plans for leaving were already
made, but not without a last big party for their small guests. Inspired by the
creativity of 77 children, Neelix had his hands and mind full to prepare
everything in the short time that was left until they would have to say their
final goodbyes.
One more night and Voyager would be
on its way to Earth again.
The soft scent of flowers filled
the air of the messhall, the only leftover from the childrens’ party. At this time of night the place was usually
deserted. Following old habits to find some peace, Kathryn grabbed the coffee
that Neelix had left for her like he did every night and made her way to her
favourite chair.
Voyager was quiet. She leaned her
head back against the soft cushions and listened to the gentle sounds of her
ship. The humming of the engines had comforted her many times; now she was more
desperate to regain some control of her swirling mind and to sooth her
mutilated emotions than ever before.
But all she could think of was him.
His face, the concern in his eyes, the touch of his hand. This had nothing to
do with their professional relationship. This concerned feelings that grew
deeper. Unconsciously or not, they had reached the point of living a personal
relationship years before. Had they been
blind to it?
No, certainly not. They had kept to
protocol. They didn’t share quarters; they didn’t share the same bed. They had
never kissed. But they shared everything else. Dinners, talks, dances, hugs,
flowers, moonlight sails, thoughts and touches. They were closer with each
other than they were with anybody else. She loved him. And now she needed his
love. All of it. The melds with Maran
and Salox had ripped her soul open, painfully tearing apart what had made her
whole and strong. When she had been on the edge of loosing her sanity, she had
held on to his promise and finally reached out to Chakotay. She could not face
this alone.
Despite the late hour, she reached
for her commbadge, knowing she could talk to him any time, when the door behind
her swished open and closed again. She
turned around slowly, but saw nobody in the darkness. Not wanting to alert whoever had come for a midnight snack of her
presence, she just stayed quiet, waiting for the crewman to leave again. She heard the clinking sound of cups and
pots being moved. Something fell to the floor and then a voice that Kathryn
knew all too well swore.
“Ouch, that was my foot, Nalea.
Give me your cup and I’ll make you some chocolate.” Naomi was just about to hand her back the filled pot when the
room was filled with a soft light and the captain looked over the kitchen’s
bar.
“Captain?” The cup fell from Naomi’s shaking hand,
spilling the dark liquid all over the floor.
Kathryn had never wanted to
frighten the children, but they were obviously shocked by her sudden
appearance. She spoke softly to the
children, picking up the cup from the floor and washing away the cocoa. She then guided them to sit with her on the
broad couch under the viewport, knowing that it was no coincidence to find them
here in the middle of the night. The expressions on the small faces spoke
volumes. Naomi especially was clearly
suffering from the aftermath of their ordeal, while Nalea and Brana took care
of their new friend. The contact with Namara and Araman had started their
emotional healing, but Naomi needed someone else to talk to.
“Why?” Naomi looked at the captain expectantly. “Why did they hurt you, Captain? And will
they come for Nalea and Brana again?”
Pleading innocence drowned in the sea of sadness in the childrens’
eyes. To see their pain hurt Kathryn
more than Salox’s whip had. Why? This was one answer that she couldn’t
give. Nobody could.
So she began to talk, smiling.
Something, everything. She talked about Voyager, about the universe, about
stories and the sea. About the sun, the moon and the stars. And about Earth,
the home they hoped to reach someday again. She reassured Nalea, Naomi and
Brana with warm hugs and love, providing the feeling of safety that Naomi
needed so badly to receive from her. Underneath her uniform, her own wounds
still bled invisibly, but she didn’t flinch, nor did she say a word and the
children laughed for her.
Half an hour later they returned to
their quarters to finally sleep, the little hearts lighter and the stomachs
warmed with hot chocolate and cream that the captain had served them at last.
The next day was both happy and
sad. The captain had resumed her
command with the alpha-shift. The crew had stood to attention when the
turbolift had opened and she had entered the bridge. When she had passed Tuvok’s station, he had briefly taken her
hand, expressing his silent concern for her and she had nodded at him.
Before she took her place in the
centre of the bridge, she went to stand beside Tom, resting her hand on his
shoulder like she had done many times before.
“Thank you for taking care of
Belanna. I know how hard it was for her.” She looked deeply into his eyes and
added. “I know it was hard for you as well.”
Taking her seat she reached out her
hand to her left. Chakotay returned her
strong grip. The silent communication between them said more than words could
right now. They needed to talk when they were alone later.
Looking in the eyes of his captain,
Chakotay marvelled at the unbelievable strength that he saw there. Something
had changed. She had regained an important part of her inner balance; still he
could see all her emotions openly displayed. No words, no parameters, no
legends, just love. Kathryn Janeway
would never cease to amaze him.
In the afternoon they contacted
Angalaria and finally the moment of saying good-bye had come. Nalea, Brana, Namara and Araman were the
last to beam from the ship. They stood hand in hand on the transporter, a golden
aura surrounding them. All eyes rested
on the captain when Namara spoke for the last time.
“The people of Angalaria will never
forget what you have done for us. Not only helping us to return to our
home-world, you saved our children from a fate harder than death and you never
revealed your knowledge of the polara. You were prepared to pay the highest
price, not only with your life, but with your soul as well.”
Before they dematerialised in
shimmering blue, Namara looked at the joined hands of Voyager’s command team
and the most beautiful smile graced her features.
“It warms my heart to see that you
found the courage to accept the strength of your bond. It was always there.”
Fin
Feedback? Feel free to tell me
your thoughts